Simple Machines Forum

If you think that there are just way too many options for free, high-quality bulletin board solutions, you’re right. SimpleMachines is one of the many, and it doesn’t appear to stand out as better or worse on the surface. That’s what makes reviewing these bad boys so fucking annoying. I want to be impartial for you guys and give you the lowdown, but the truth is, there’s such a slim fucking difference between these bulletin board scripts that it ultimately doesn’t matter which one you roll with – it won’t be a mistake either way. That being said, SimpleMachines was built from the ground up, much like all the other scripts I have on this list, so naturally, it is very different. At least, the backend is unique.

The front is as generic as they come. It’s a fucking bulletin board script; what did you expect? It’s a simple, single-click download of a PHP file that you plop onto a web server and then fire-up to see your brand new bulletin board ready for business. You might have to fiddle with it a bit after that to perfect your setup. Maybe you might want to change the website’s title and make some categories; what do I know? Other than that, SimpleMachines is ready to fucking go from the very first second you fire it up. It’s that easy to use.

What Makes It Different?

The backstory and the current security features. SimpleMachines started as a replacement for the now completely outdated YaBB. Back in 2001, YaBB was growing in popularity, but webmasters had some gripes with the security features and the lack of serious template support. That BB was due for an overhaul. So, a bunch of clever kids got together and made a fork of the code that eventually got consolidated under the name SimpleMachines. There you go. 2 years of ancient history summarized in one paragraph.

Now, let’s talk about the security features. In terms of options, you get the same shit that comes packaged with other bulletin board scripts, but with a twist. Statistically, SimpleMachines boasts an extremely low number of reported security slip-ups and vulnerabilities over the years. It’s pretty damn air-tight. It might just be your instant go-to if security is your primary concern. The template-friendly customizability is still there after all these years, with the latest significant update arriving in 2014. I know, it seems like a long time ago, but these are bulletin board scripts, not game engines. Get over it.

Easy to Install

I definitely undersold the simplicity of SimpleMachines in the intro, but that’s just my style. I like to ease into things. It’s my motto in anal and in my work. You have to lube them up and show a bit of restraint before you go pounding like a mad man. Where was I? Right, the installation. You get one PHP file off of the SMF website and run it on your server. Just like that, you’re good to go. You’d have to manually unpack an entire zip file and put it into place with other scripts. They managed to cut out an extra step from a process that wasn’t that complicated, to begin with. Hey, if it saves time, I’m all for it.

I guess you can say that the entire design of SimpleMachines is sort of aimed at ease of access and simplicity. The admin tool looks like shit, but it works, and it’s damn easy to use. Style isn’t everything. In the end, running a porn bulletin board for profit is serious business. You’re not here to be entertained. You want to make sure that your dashboard is reliable and that you can find all the options you need. That’s what exactly you get with this script. It’s simple, it’s straightforward, and there’s no bullshit. Let’s also not forget the fact that it’s free.

Notable Websites on SMF

This is where SMF kind of falls short. It’s woefully overshadowed by other, more popular BB scripts, kind of like how I make all other porn reviewers look bad. It’s not their fault. They’re great at their jobs. But, only one of us can be ThePornDude, and it’s me, bitches. I am not giving up my throne. I’m the fucking best. Anyways, SMF is not the fucking best, and the world knows it. That’s why their usage across the web is kind of niche. It’s hard to find notable examples of their script in action.

Back in the day, the Joomla forums used SMF, which was probably the coolest reference you could make until they moved to phpBB. But, I see some NASA-related site about spaceflight using SMF, so there’s that at least. I’d link to it, but I don’t want to give them the traffic. Rocket nerds don’t get the pussy. If you want to find the site, look up NASA, spaceflight, and forums. You’ll find it. Anyways, there’s that and a shit ton of porn forums. I don’t know if there’s something that makes SMF a good fit for porn forums in particular. Maybe it’s a style thing. I’m not sure. Either way, it’s free, so countless sites are using it.

The Package Manager

This is hands down the best part of using SMF. They have a swift and efficient package manager that you will most certainly use if you roll with this script. I guarantee it. If you’ve ever used Linux, you’ll be familiar with how this system works. In short, developers make mods for the main software, and you can opt into them and download them from a public repository. Let me translate that for the non-nerds in the audience:

You can download free shit with the click of a button. This free shit is made by other people, given to you for free, and it adds a ton of new functionality to your forum without you having to lift a fucking finger. I guess you technically have to lift one finger once per download, but you won’t get carpal tunnel from that. If you have the energy to jerk off once a night, you have the energy to download a fucking plug-in package. Don’t lie to me.

These free plug-ins come with all kinds of nifty features that can completely overhaul your website if that’s what you’re after. Let’s say that you’ve got the forum up and running, and it’s successful, but you’d also like to make it more social down the line by adding social media profiles. Press a button, get the plug-in, and just like that, your users will now have their own profiles. Let’s say that you want to increase the time users spend idling on your site. You can add a fucking arcade so they can play games on your forum. Fuck it, go all out. Download every plug-in you like and test them out. At the very least, you can check if the plug-in is making your site more popular or not.

The list of plug-ins grows every single day. You can’t count them all. Most of the time, you’ll find what exactly you need on the list since these are mods made by people who actually use the damn script themselves. They made these modifications because they needed them, then made them available for you to use because they’re just that nice. By the way, in case you’re paranoid, don’t worry – these mods are all thoroughly vetted by the people behind SMF to make sure they comply with all the rules that make SMF great.

It’s Pretty Neat

I thought it would be hard to cover what makes SMF so great, but I think I did a good job, to be honest. It’s not the most popular BB script, not by a long shot. But the people behind it try their best to keep up with current trends, and the package manager is fucking dank. I’m tired of having to write HTML to add shit to websites. That trend should have died a long fucking time ago. The worst part of having a PHP-driven site is to write PHP. If HTML is an eyesore, PHP is a malignant tumor. I can’t stand the shit.

That’s why I’m grateful for the simplicity. SMF wants you to get to work as fast as possible with as few hassles along the way as possible. Also, for the legally endowed in the audience: SMF is now available under the BSD license. They caught flack back in the day for not allowing redistribution, even though they encouraged modification of their software. Well, those days are gone. SMF is doing a great job trying to stay relevant. Check it out, give it a shot. I’m sure it has loads of potential.