Express Writers Online

You need written content and you need it now. Well, I can’t get it to you now unless this review counts. But I can connect you with an adult writing service built around lightning fast turnaround times. Come on, aren’t you fucking sick of sitting around waiting weeks for some lazy-ass writer to deliver you a 500-word article? They make it seem like some supreme task that takes hours of research when we all know those cucks are turning their computers on an hour before the deadline and typing that shit up half-stoned. Fuck that. You want a company built around speedy deliveries and quality content.

That’s why you want to work with the team behind Expresswritersonline.com. They’ve been producing loads of written content for clients since back in 2011. That’s nearly a decade of experience in the industry! Speaking of industry, these guys are specifically in the porn niche. They gladly accept and produce content for that sort of thing, but this isn’t some kinky site with hot babes all over each page. It’s a professional site that also takes on adult content writing and that sort of thing. So, don’t let its appearances deceive you. These fucks know what they’re doing.

Sleek and Modern Minimalist Site Design

This is probably the simplest, most bare-bones site that I have seen in a good while. It’s not a bad looking site. Hell, it’s actually kind of sweet if you like a minimalistic style. I’m always down for quirky or simple site designs. What I’m not on-board for as much is a minimalistic approach to site information and description. The homepage has three bullet points and a scrolling list of testimonials. That’s it. Listen, that’s fine and all. But most users are going to want a little something more to go over on the main page of your site. Having such a minimal main page may turn potential webmasters away.

Before I get into the main bullet points here, I need to talk about these godawful testimonials. The testimonials themselves aren’t bad. They’re not putting up reviews where people talk shit. But these are the most useless lines that I have ever fucking seen. None of these so-called testimonials are even attributed to anyone. There aren’t any quotes, names, or brands behind these lines. It’s fucking useless. What am I supposed to do with “that one girl did some good work for sure.”

Bullshit Testimonials that aren’t Attributed to Anyone or Any Sites

Before you ask, yes, that’s a direct quote. Obviously, she wasn’t that great if this fuck can’t even remember her name. Honestly, I think this site wrote these up. And I don’t know why. I’m sure there are customers out there who would have been fine with being credited as a testimonial. And, if not, don’t put any up! Definitely don’t put ones up that have no attribution at all. It’s fucking ridiculous. They couldn’t even write up fake tags for names. At least make it look like a real testimonial instead of a bunch of lines lazily tossed onto a blank white page.

But, alright, I’ll do my best to ignore that shit show for now. Let’s dial back and talk about the three main selling points Expresswritersonline boasts about. They promise 24 hour turnaround times. That’s pretty fucking quick. Of course, that number might shift if you have a massive project or something. Most reasonable assignments will be completed in a day or so. They specify that they have “quick turn-around times and English speaking writers.” I hate to be that guy, but they’re basically saying that they have quick English speaking writers. I know, I know, it’s a nitpick. But there’s not enough content on this site for them to make that kind of mistake.

24-Hour Turnaround Times for most Projects

I don’t care how fast these fucks can run! Seriously, that’s the kind of error that I don’t want to see on a writing site, especially one that only has three lines of text to begin with. It shouldn’t have taken too long to proofread that shit. It’s great that they speak English, but knowing if they were native speakers or not would be even better. Loads of fucks speak English, but I want to know if they can write it as well as a native speaker.

Lastly, they offer competitive rates and bulk discounts. Great, this is where I tell you what those dope rates and discounts are. Or, well, I would if they listed any of that information. You can say your prices are competitive all day, but I’m not going to believe that shit unless you give me the details and let me take a look under the hood. Also, what are the bulk discounts? I say this shit every time, but offering a discount means nothing to me if the original price isn’t listed before I talk to some agent or salesperson.

Fill out a Short Questionnaire to get a Custom Quote

As for the specifics of what they offer, you have them do blog posts, descriptions, reviews, tutorials, or whole-page content. I hate to keep talking shit, but Expresswritersonline doesn’t list any samples for the type of work they do. Nothing. No links to sites where their content is hosted. No sample pages. You don’t get jack shit. The most important thing a content writing site, or writer in general, can do is showcase their work. How the fuck did they miss that step? I don’t care if they have a bunch of different writers with various styles. They have to show something, anything!

To actually get a price and maybe a sample, you’ll have to fill out a little questionnaire. There’s nothing wrong here. It’s standard shit. I just wish you could see how much this service was going to run before going through the effort or sending them a long list of what you need. Especially given the fact that they don’t even have writing samples listed. It’s just an extra pain in the ass. I will say that the writing on their “about us” page is pretty good. At least someone there knows what the fuck they are doing, but I shouldn’t have to dig around an about us page just to get an idea of what these writers can do for me.

Pornwebmaster’s Favorite Features

It’s a sleek site. I’ll give them that. The site design is minimal, looks pretty fucking cool and they do offer a wide range of writing services. They aren’t just doing a single type of article or whatever. You can order blog posts, reviews, descriptions, and full pages of web content. Plus, they’ll work with you and help you craft the perfect bit of adult content writing for your site. Some prudish content writers won’t even give adult sites the time of day, or they’ll charge some outrageous markup. Not with these guys! They’ll take on any project you throw their way.

Pornwebmaster’s Suggestions

Man, it’s been a long while since I’ve been this frustrated with an adult content writing site. Seriously, how can you make a site like this and not even include or offer samples? At least put a portfolio up so that I can get an idea of what the level of quality will be. It’s a fucking no-brainer. You simply need to have examples of writing if you are to sell written work. It’d be like trying to work with a prostitute who refused to show you any pictures of what she looks like. It’d be equally ridiculous as this shit show.

And don’t even get me started on those bullshit testimonials. Why even bother putting them up there if you’re not going to back them up with actual people or sites? I can go around telling people I’m the goddamn king of the world, but that doesn’t mean shit unless I have the facts to back it up. This site simply falls short when it comes to telling potential webmasters anything useful about their services.

Pornwebmaster’s Final Thoughts

Overall, Expresswritersonline.com was on the cusp of greatness. They have a solid site design, seemingly good writing skills, and a variety of services offered. But they don’t give potential webmasters nearly enough information to make a decision. The testimonials lack attributions. They don’t provide any sort of portfolio or samples to view. They don’t list any prices. If you plan to give these guys a shot, then know that you’ll be taking a big leap of faith in terms of quality. At least they do guarantee to have assignments back to you on a 24-hour turnaround. That’s pretty impressive.